Trauma Begins Before the Traumatic Event

When we speak of trauma, most people imagine a shocking or painful event a car accident, a violent experience, the loss of a loved one, or abuse. The moment something went wrong. But what if trauma doesn’t begin in the moment of impact? What if the real trauma starts before the actual event in the absence of something we deeply needed and didn’t receive?

This idea is central to the work of Dr. Gabor Maté, a physician and author whose teachings continue to shape the way many of us understand trauma. According to Maté, trauma is not defined by what happens to us on the outside, but by what happens inside of us as a result. Trauma lives in the disconnection from the self, in the way the body tightens, adapts, shuts down, or dissociates when there isn’t enough support to stay connected to our experience.

There’s something deeply liberating in this understanding. Because it shifts the focus from the event itself which we often cannot change to the inner landscape, which can be supported, re-patterned, and met again with presence. And here’s the truth that’s rarely spoken about: trauma often begins before the traumatic event even takes place.

Let’s take the example of a child who experiences abuse emotional, physical, or sexual. Of course, the abuse is traumatic. But often, a deeper layer of trauma already existed in that child’s body long before the violation occurred. That deeper layer is the lack of a safe, co-regulating relationship the absence of a parent, caregiver, or adult figure who the child could turn to, who could truly hold space for the experience, who could meet the child’s emotions without fear or dismissal.

Imagine being a child and going through something frightening. But instead of being able to run to a parent and say “this happened,” the child holds it inside. They don’t speak. They don’t ask for help. Not because they don’t want to but because, on a deep instinctual level, they know it’s not safe to do so. They’ve already learned, even before the traumatic event, that their emotional world is too much, too confusing, or too invisible to the adults around them. That knowing is trauma.

What’s important to clarify is that this doesn’t only happen in families that are openly abusive or severely dysfunctional. It can happen in loving homes, with well-meaning parents who are simply overwhelmed, emotionally unavailable, or carrying unprocessed trauma themselves. A mother who is always anxious, a father who is present but emotionally distant, or a family system that values performance over emotional honesty these environments can make a child feel like their inner world doesn’t matter, even if no one says it out loud.

The trauma begins in the body, in the nervous system’s response to a lack of co-regulation.

Co-regulation is something every child needs. It’s the biological experience of being felt, seen, and soothed by another nervous system. Before we can regulate ourselves, we need to be regulated by someone else. This is how the body learns safety. Not through words or explanations, but through consistent experiences of being emotionally held. When that’s not there even in subtle ways the child begins to adapt. They learn to shut down their feelings. They learn to not ask for support. They may become hyper-independent, overly responsible, or invisible.

So when the traumatic event finally happens whether it’s a moment of abuse, a separation, or a betrayal the child is already alone inside. The nervous system has already learned that no one is coming. And that early imprint of disconnection becomes the deeper trauma.

This is why in my work as a somatic practitioner, I don’t focus only on what happened. I pay close attention to what was missing. To the invisible spaces. To the places where the body had to carry too much, too soon. And most of all, to the need for co-regulation that was never met.

Healing or better, transformation doesn’t happen through analysis or trying to fix the past. It happens through restoring safety in the present, one moment at a time. And the most powerful way we do this is through co-regulation. Not just in theory, but in practice.

In a somatic session, co-regulation means that I, as the practitioner, stay in my own grounded, regulated presence while attuning to what is happening in your body. There is no pressure to change anything. There is space to feel, to notice, to breathe. When a memory arises, or an emotion surfaces, it is not met alone. It is met in relationship. The body begins to learn that it no longer must carry this by itself.

This is true not only in sessions but in life. We begin to heal when we are met by others who are willing to stay present with us not to fix us, not to give advice, but simply to be with what is. This is the essence of co-regulation: a shared space where both nervous systems stay connected, curious, and compassionate. Where the body feels, maybe for the first time, that it can soften. That it doesn’t have to fight, freeze, or collapse. That it is no longer alone.

This work is not always easy. It requires patience. It requires slowness. But it is possible. I have seen again and again how people begin to reconnect to parts of themselves they thought were lost not through force, but through gentle presence. Through the slow rebuilding of trust. Through the gift of being met, just as they are.

Gabor Maté says, “The essence of trauma is disconnection from the self.” And so, the path of integration is reconnection with the body, with our emotions, and with each other. Not in isolation, but in relationship. This is the power of co-regulation. This is where the real shift happens.

We don’t need to do it alone anymore.

I’d love to hear how this lands for you. You can share your reflections with me and send a message if something moved inside you.

With love and presence,

Eva